dreams

I had another dream about her.

I was walking down a path with her. The details of my dreams are hazy. But there is no question who it was.

"You have really luminous skin!" I said, as I stroked her cheek. She has quite pale skin, is what I meant. But beautiful, pale skin. For some reason, my brain decided to use the word luminous.

"So do you!" she replied smiling. I also have pale skin.

That was it. At least, as much as I can remember.

I haven’t seen her for months, and I doubt if I ever will see her again. I guess my brain just likes to taunt me with these fantasies occasionally. The problem is, if you dwell on your dreams you can lose touch with reality.

I planned with my friends to go out clubbing tomorrow. Due to a few different factors, that is no longer happening. I’ve been looking forward to going out for 2 weeks. Sometimes I feel so isolated from everything. Even more so now.

Sometimes I wish I could just fall asleep and live in a fantasy world.

That is a very dangerous wish.

..

The strangest thing just happened to me.

I was sitting at my desk when all of a sudden I had this rush of energy. An incredible urge to do something. I felt like I was ready to perform at Wembley stadium, like I could do a bungee jump. I had adrelaline running through me. I had no idea what I wanted to do, all I knew is that I HAD to get out of the house.

I put my shoes on and bounded outside. It was 3AM. It was raining but I didn’t care. I was outside, I was free!

Quickly formulating a plan, I decided to walk to the local park near my house. I walked fast and tall whilst listening to some fast pased music on my ipod. No one else was around. I felt like I owned the world around me, like nothing could stop me.

I got to the park. It was dark and intimidating. I felt the rush inside me drop. I decided to walk back home.

I’d stopped listening to music at this point. It was raining lightly, and a sudden patter of drops from the bushes frightened me. I thought I would be attaked by a fox or something. I’d gone from being wildly confident to scared of the world around me.

Now I’m back home, and I just feel down.

What the FUCK is wrong with me?

I’ve got nothing to do.

I can’t sleep

I don’t want to watch TV

I don’t want to play poker

I don’t want to eat

I don’t want to read

I don’t even want to write this

I have nothing to do

Nearly New Year post (the story of 2012)

hey world,

Damn, it’s been a while since I made my last post. It’s funny cos I certainly have the time to do this more often, I just procrastinate so much I think I may have turned it into an artform. Anyway, where was I?

It’s this time of year that alot of people take the time to reflect on the previous year, what went well and what didn’t and whatnot. Prehaps more importantly they look to the year ahead, and set goals and aspirations; from the simplest wish to the grandest desire. I guess I’ll look back on my own 2012.

January was the year I turned 18, and in the UK this means you are legally considered an adult and can drink, gamble, and star in as many porn movies as you damn well please.

Turning 18 was pretty uneventful as I was already drinking and gambling long before this (no porn movies, unfortunately). My first significant act of 2012, no more than 2 weeks after I was legally allowed to enter a casino, was winning an amatuer poker league tournament, besting around 100 other players and bagging myself £400 and a trophy.

While this may not seem like much, I’d never won a trophy for anything else in my entire life up until then. Despite how small the event was, it was a really special moment for me and was a nice reward for the hours I’d spent learning the intricacies of the game for months beforehand. It also gave me loads confidence in my game going forward.

Going into the year I was also continuing my Business Studies course at college, which I had started in September. This was not going so well.

The reasons for why I didn’t do well requires quite alot of explaining, and I intend to expand upon in another post. But at the crux of it, I was missing loads of work deadlines and generally not setting myself up well for my coming months in education.

Meanwhile, poker continued to go well, at least my live results. Having bagged my 1st place at the previous “Regional Finals” as they are known, I followed it up with a 2nd place finish at the very next event, which was utterly crushing at the time, knowing how close I was to back-to-back victories, but looking back now I played just about as well as I could have and am incredibly proud of my 1st + 2nd streak of results.

These two events lead up to the “National Finals” held in Bristol during May. The top 18 or so finishers of the previous level tournament from around England all qualified, and I went into the tournament apprehencive but also confident in my abilities.

I did well, final tabling the event and coming 6th of around the 110 starting field. While I’m always set on winning, I was happy with this result nonetheless, I was the highest placed player from the Berkshire area so I like feel I did the Royal County proud ;)

Eventually, things at college started to come to a head, and at the start of the Summer holidays I was told I would not be returning for the second year. I actually didn’t know this at the time, and was officially told at the start of the next term in September, although I pretty much knew anyway that this is what would happen. It’s funny, as I had already been given a second chance half-way through the previous term to try harder and get the work done. I didn’t feel too bad at getting kicked out, cos I feel I’d never really tried anyway. But the complexities of that situation would need another blog post to detail them. I’ll tell that story another time.

My lack of online poker success would eventually be ended, and in mid-October I took down the Bigger $2.20 on PokerStars, beating exactley 5267 other players to take down my biggest score so far, $1,656 (roughley £1,000). My combined live and online tournament winnings thing year are just over £2,000. I don’t mean this to come accross as boastful in any way, money won is simply a way of keeping track of success in poker, and that was my haul. I intend to play some more tournaments today, so maybe that figure can be boosted just a little before the year is out :D

For all my success in poker this year, can I really say that I’m truly happy? I can’t. That is something that continues to elude me. Winning money and torunaments might bring short-term pleasure and thrill, but it won’t bring lasting happiness or contentment. I hope to not only build on my poker successes in 2013, but also being happy in life. And indeed, what else is there for me? I need to find something more to do in my life than just play poker. I believe 2013 is the year that will make me or break me. I’m either going to find ultimate success and soar higher than I ever have, or crash so low I’ll have trouble getting back up. I can’t wait to see what life has in store for me as a 19 year old.

Well, that about wraps it up. My 2012- albiet focused entirely on college and poker. Other stuff did happen, but I’ll never fit it all in. And even if I could, I’d get repetative strain injury from typing too much, but I digress.

I wish you all a happy new year and success in 2013. Adios, my friends.

Oli

Alone with my thoughts at 4:50 AM

Hmmm. I want to post what I’m thinking right now, but I don’t really know how to formulate my feelings into words. I just finished watching the movie “Clone” with Matt Smith and Eva Green. I always seem to feel in a really reflective and thoughtful mood after watching a good movie. I think it’s because I long to be lost in the fantasy, entirely forget my own life and throw myself into the characters lives. I guess that says something for how I feel about my life right now.

In the film, Matt Smith’s character falls in love, as most characters in movies do. And I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of longing and of sadness. What is it like to fall in love? To share such a special bond between someone else is an incredible mystery that I have yet to solve, but I feel I’m running out of time. I’m 18 for gods sake. The amount of people I know who’ve had girlfriends or boyfriends from the age of 14 is long, and here I am AT 18 STILL NOT KNOWING. I feel like I’ve fallen behind in the race of life and I can’t catch up. In fact, I haven’t even started the race. And even if I start the race what’s the point when I should have started ages ago? You see all those coming-of-age movies about teenagers falling in love and shit, like it’s the most normal thing in the world. It makes me feel like I’m not normal. It’s not fair.

The truth is, I’m not sure I want to just live for myself anymore. I don’t think I like myself enough to do that. I want to live for someone else, somone to care for. But then I have to ask myself, is this not selfish of me? To want to love someone else so as to be content with myself? and even if it is, does it really matter? So many questions. Time will have the answers. But I’m not sure whether I’ll like those answers.

At this moment in my life, I’m playing the MicroMillions Series of tournaments on Pokerstars. I had a good run in event #24, finish 17th of around 6,500. It’s the closet thing I have to a purpose at the moment. I just wish there was something else. Anyways, I’m gonna sign off now. It’s late, but I don’t want to even sleep. I don’t want to do anything. I just… want to be happy. It seems like such a simple wish. If only it was.

stuff

Wow, it’s been a while since I posted on here. While I have had alot on my mind, I guess I just haven’t been in a reflective enough mood to type my thoughts down. Well, now I’m in the mood. So here goes.

I recently took down an online poker tournament, besting roughly 5000 people to win $1,600 [I know, getting a good brag in there! ;)].

Obviously this feeling was amazing, and despite having stayed up all night and morning, this elation overcame my feeling of tiredness. This happened roughly 2 weeks ago, life should be good and enjoyable. And yet not more than 20 minutes ago I burst into tears. There wasn’t an overall reason for this, or maybe there is and I’m just fooling myself. But it’s made me think about what it is to be happy.

I honestly don’t think I can say I’ve been truly happy for a while. Sure there have been moments, but not prolonged. It’s not that I’ve necessarily been feeling down. But it’s almost like….. a lack of emotion for anything. A lack of enjoyment or passion, even in the thinks I do enjoy (a weird statement I know, but it’s hard to explain.)

I feel like I play poker almost out of nessessity sometimes. I don’t really have anything else to do. I play the guitar aswell, but this is about the extent of my lesuire activities. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut, even though I’ve been relativley successful at poker.

Sometimes I just want torun awayfrom everything, physically and metaphorically. But I don’t have the means (or the guts) to do so. In a way, I’ve grown used to this rut, and my immediate wellbeing isn’t so bad. And yet… it’s not that Idislikemy situation, but I sure as hell don’tenjoyit either. And ultimately, life is about enjoying yourself. Otherwise, what’s the god damn point?

I wish I had someone who understood. Someone who cared. I feel like all my life I haven’t been dejected, but never truly accepted. The chorus of my favourite song of all time sums up my feeling better than me:

I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I cant wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I survived
I can’t wait ‘til I get home
To pass the time in my room alone

I cry everytime it plays. Like an emotional trigger in my brain or something. God, this has gotten depressing. This post really has been a scattershot of thoughts, but it’s good to get it off my chest. I’ll try and clear them up in another post, and hopefully decipher some of my feelings. Until then, cya 

My Walk Home

Every Monday, a local pub hosts a poker night for its cutomers. I’ve been a regular for some time now; the combination of good company, beer drinking and poker playing for me sounds like a pretty good night out.

But the focus of this post is not on poker playing (or drinking beer for that matter).

At last weeks game, having lost out at the poker, I began to make my way home, and as I walked I had alot on my mind. Walking alone late at night can be a really good time to reflect on things that may be troubling you. A chance to be alone with your thoughts for a while. For me at this time, it was this-

What exactly am I walking hometo?Absoloutly nothing. I have no job and got kicked out of college for falling behind with work. In some ways, I thought, it wouldn’t even matter if I went home or stayed outside walking around all night. No one relies on me to be anyway or to do anything. I wasn’t walking home with apurposein life. I would go to bed alone, wake up alone and have nothing to do. In some respects, I didn’t even want to go home, I could wander around aimlessly in the night. It would certainly reflect where my life is right now, and if I’m being honest has been for some time. Cluessless. Aimless. I felt hollow.

As I turned a corner and continued down the road, I noticed something. It was a gate, leading into a vast, empty field. Now usually, when I’m walking home from anywhere my brain is sort of in an autopilot mode, and that is to simply focus on the path ahead, towards my house. Prehaps it was the beer I drank, but I wanted to break free from the autopilot in my mind, to do something different from the routine. I wasn’t exactly in any rush to get back, what did it matter? Deviating from my usual path, I opened the gate and walked into the field.

Walking further in, towards a set of goal posts, I decided to lay down and think. As I did so, something struck me.

The sky was ablaze with stars, floating in their vast infinity. It can be quite easy to forget just how naturally beautiful and majestic such a scene is. A scene that coveys such huge scope, such wonder and impossibility. It almost made my troubles seem quite small in comparison. I saw a shooting star, and made an impossible wish. But what the hell, if you’re gonna wish for anything, why not make it as impossible as you can?

Having surveyed the night sky for a few minutes, I got up and continued back on my journey to an empty bed and an empty tomorrow. Surely I couldn’t be the only one in the universe with these problems?

Anyway, I’m typing this at 2:22 as I’m a massive fucking insomniac. If you’ve actually read all of this with being bored to death, then I salut you! Maybe I’ll make another post soon.

Until then, peace out.

yo

Hi there! My name is Oliver Hutchins, I am 18, and a citizen of planet Earth. What I intend to do with this blog is to document my thoughts on life and other general things, an online diary if you will.

This will be a real insight into my true thoughts, feelings and various demons within myself. I’ll be honest, I’m a pretty private person, so doing something like this is a new, fun and almost scary experience. You want to know me? Then read on…

Welcome to my world. The real Oliver Hutchins, laid bare for the world to see.

Peace